But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
