you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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