Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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