I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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