so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
smell my finger.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
