Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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