oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
