So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
