im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
