Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The ass gains better be worth it
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