shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
