i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
whose parrot is this?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
