apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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