I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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