I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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