when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
