Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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