The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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