We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
