i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
