His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
