In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
