tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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