We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize