its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize