I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
