Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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