Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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