You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
