I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
