Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
