My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
