If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
