I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
My underwear smells like fireworks.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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