my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
mondays should just be called national damage control day
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
