I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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