I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I have fence marks all over my body
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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