I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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