After last night, I could never be a politician.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
