I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize