people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
