I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
