I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
