He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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