You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
