Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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