he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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