I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
