i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
