a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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