I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize