I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
