My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
