a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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