I think my fart just growled at me.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I checked into jail on foursquare
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
