im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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