I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
